Friday Funnies

[107oc]

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1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever

[107 Codf]

In a recent survey of 1000 scousers, they were asked if they thought the UK should adopt a new currency.

98% said that we should not and that they were perfectly happy with the Giro.

[107 Codf]

London police are in trouble again. Today they shot a number of thalidomide Iranian immigrants. A spokesman said they were suspected of bringing small arms into the country...

[107 Codf]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo.

They need to be delivered by 9am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys, and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where are they going?" asks the Irish trucker.

"Chester Zoo, mate. Do us a favour and take them there for me will you" says the driver. "Here's a hundred quid for your trouble".

The Irishman cheerfully agrees, they load the monkeys on to his truck, and away he goes.

The lorry driver sets about fixing his wagon, and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway still with all the chimps on board.

Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at?" he fumes. "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did!" says the bemused Paddy, "but there's fifty quid left, so now were off to Alton Towers"

[107 Codf]

Last night I dreamt that I had written The Lord of the Rings, but when I woke up I realised I was just Tolkien in my sleep

[107 Codf]

A film producer was discussing his idea for a new action movie with Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The movie is going to be about great composers and the producer asks each actor which composer they would like to play.

Willis says "I would like to be Mozart"

Stallone says" I will be Chopin"

and Arnie says " I'll be Bach"

[107 Codf]

Ill give up for now but I have loads more!

[Vampire]

A blind man walks into a pub, and sits himself down at the bar.
"Anyone want to hear a really funny blonde joke?" He asks.
The barman leans forward to have a quiet word with the blind man. He says;
"I think you should know, that the 22 stone bouncer on the door is blonde, Mad Mick, the ex SAS officer sitting at the end of the bar is blonde, and I'm ex navy boxing champion 4 years running, and I'm blonde. Are you sure you still want to tell your joke?"
The blind man thinks for a minute and replies'
"Good god no, not if I'm going to have to explain it 3 times!"

 

[107 Codf]

 

[Dogsbelly]

Ill give up for now but I have loads more!

Oh No...

[107 Codf]

Naa this thread can be closed I really cant be arsed no more

[qed]

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.
Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

 


Jingle Bells


Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way


A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on.
The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

 


While Shepherds Watched


While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around


The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

 


Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer


Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.


You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 


Little Donkey


Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

 


We Three Kings


We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel feet.


Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed -

This is definitely one for Social Services!

[qed]

> 'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman,
> walking up to the counter.
> The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
> 'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
> was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
> 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
> German?'
> Then, warming to his theme, he went on, 'Or if I asked you for a
> kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I
> asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
> Would Ya? Would Ya?'
> The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
> Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman
> steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would
> you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you
> ask me if I was Danish?
> 'Well no, I probably wouldn't.' conceded the assistant.
> So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
> 'Well,
> all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I
> asked for Irish sausages?'
> The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase.

[gilesme]

Just got a cracking new game for my PS/3.

Its where I drive around, crashing into things, "banging" anything that moves, using violence involving metal bars.....

It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2009.

[qed]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.


If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn

 

[Pompey-Bumblebee]

thats good qed very funny