Friday Funnies

[107oc]

Welcome to the 107oc. Please either login or join the community.

1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever

[107 Codf]

Following the success of the Thursday Funnies Post your jokes in this thread and lets make everyones friday an enjoyable one!

[107 Codf]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to The bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chilli. The sight was Shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too!"

[107 Codf]

Champions League

"A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
thedifference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then,
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt
for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
MillionDollars.............
.but realistically .we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

[107 Codf]

Q How much do cockney's spend on shampoo?





A Pantene

[meadowfield]

Bloke goes home to the missus...

'I want you to give me some good news and bad news'

'Your brothers got a smaller d!ck than you'


hehe

 

[107 Codf]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father
 sat him down for a
 little fireside chat. He says, Jack, let me tell you
 something.
 On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took
 off my pants and
 handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here -try
 these on.' So, she did
 and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So
 I replied, Exactly.
 I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
 Ever since that
 night we have never had any problems."

 "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good
 thing to try."

 So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and
 says to Jill, "Here
 try these on."

 So she does and says, "These are too large; they
 don't fit me."

 Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
 and I always will,
 and I don't want you to ever forget that."

 Then Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack
 and says, "Here you
 try on mine."

 So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

 Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your
 smart ass attitude,
 you never will."

[107 Codf]

Five English guys in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy , the officer on duty. stops them and says: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"


"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the
law."


The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat
Uno."

[107 Codf]

Chinese Delivery Man

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a
beer
when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is
confronted
by
a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You
sign!!
You
sign!!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the
Chinese
man starts to yell louder, "You sign!! You sign!!" Nelson says
to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his
face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens
 it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose yelling, "You sign!! You
sign!!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes
the little Chinese man back, shouting "Look, go away!! You've got
the wrong man. I don't want them!!" Then he slams the door in his face
again.
 The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is
the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,
shouting,"You sign!! You sign!!". Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car
parts.
This time, Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want
these!! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!! Who do you want
to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults
his clipboard, and says,

 (It's a beauty)



 (wait for it)



 (Get your best Chinese accent ready)




 "You noh Nissan Main Deala?

[107 Codf]

 Dear Deirdre....

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one
of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other
currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest
with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed
is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is
limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening ! our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her
knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters
would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least
get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of
course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

[107 Codf]

Paddy and Murphy are drunk one night and have missed the public transport home. They start the long walk home when they come up to the bus garage. 'You know what Paddy?' Murphy says 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home, you wait here im gonna go and steal a bus to get us home'.

So Paddy waits.......and waits and 15 minutes later Murphy comes back empty handed. 'what the hell where you doing Murphy?? Where is the bus?' 'well the problem was i couldn't find a 27 bus that gets us home' says Murphy. 'Murphy, your such an idiot sometimes' he says 'just steal a 36a and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way'

[107 Codf]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"Oh MY GOD!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible" and slumps forward, head in hands.
His staff sit there, nervously watching, stunned at this display of emotion.
Finally the President looks up and asks...
"How many is a Brazillion?"

[107 Codf]

A guy is sitting alone at a bar drinking a beer. All of the sudden, he hears "nice haircut." He looks around, doesn't see anyone near him, goes back to his beer. Then he hears, "I like your shirt." Looks around, again, no one near him. He calls over the bartender says that he heard someone say "nice haircut" and "I like your shirt" and asks if the bartender has seen anyone, or knows who it might be.

The bartender replies, "I think it's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[107 Codf]

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT
AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.MY
KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD
MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST
SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU
KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO
OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST
THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH.BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS
EACHAND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY .

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I
GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY
APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU
DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.""OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY
FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".AND I JUST SAT
THERE...ON THE COUCH...NAKED

[107 Codf]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[107 Codf]

The NHS

Actual writing on hospital charts.

Enjoy!

1. The patient refused autopsy
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
6. Patients has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had disappeared
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
13. She is numb from her toes down
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
15. The skin was moist and dry
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
24. Skin: somewhat pale, but present
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed
30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant
31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December
32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree
33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead
34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, an he was feeling better